Learning the art of giving great head: With Midori

On Wednesday, I went to a masterclass artfully called 'Playing the Clarinet'. Well guessed, people. I'm not talking about shiny, phallic, musical instruments - I'm talking about the art of cock-sucking.

After downing a bit of Dutch courage at the ladies-only event, we were taken downstairs to the saucier section of the store - bondage and kink galore.

We were introduced to our teacher for the evening, a petite Japanese/American woman who quite frankly oozed sex. Let's put it this way, even the way Midori seductively removed her glasses had me twitching in my seat.

Midori taught us a number of things that evening, including: various hand, tongue, lip techniques, how to put a condom on using nothing but your mouth (a porn-star art form I've long admired), a maneuver called The Melting Girl into Tigress, and the value of having BAGS OF ENTHUSIASM.

We learnt about Pavlovian Conditioning: Having a visual trigger - such as a vampy red lipstick - which you put on every time you go down on your lover. The lipstick then acts as a visual stimulant, so when he sees you putting it on after dinner, or in a bar, he knows what's in store for him later..

We learnt not to be afraid of watery eyes during a great BJ. Even if your make-up runs and you look like a diseased panda, don't worry. Apparently, due to our neanderthal heritage, this is a GOOD thing! Watery eyes indicates virility and youth.

We had practical sessions too, where we got to practice our new-found techniques on courgettes, ice-lollies, and lollipops. Yes. Really. I will never eat a courgette again.

In fact, we learnt so much that I couldn't possibly write it all down. 

Instead, visit Midori's website and learn everything there is to know about "playing the clarinet". After all, it's always good to improve your skill set ;-)

Giveaway: Durex pillows and goody bags

I love a good pillow fight. With my girlfriends. Giggling. In our underwear. Shut up, I'm kidding, of course. We have our pillow fights naked.

ANYWAY

Why am I talking about pillows, fights, nudity.. and why should you care? Well my Internet friends, I'm giving two people the chance to win a pair of pillows and lots of lovely goodies, all courtesy of DUREX!

Hurrah!

The generous Durex folks went to International Pillow Fight Day in Trafalgar Sq the other week (I know, right? WHY didn't we know about this?! oh you did. Just me then) and handed out free pillows, but they want to keep spreading the love!

So, to win a saucy goody bag full of Durex delights, and a pair of pillows worth fighting for/with, comment below (or email sexshoppingandchocolate@hotmail.co.uk if you're shy) and tell me your email address, and who you'd like to have a naked pillow fight with..

Mine? Ryan Gosling. Or Jennifer Lawrence. Or both. Uh oh.. FANTASY THREESOME MIND BLOW!

Anywho. I'll choose my two lucky winners on Friday 3 May. Good luck!

PS how LOL is that photo with the girl choking on a feather?

*UPDATE* Giveaway is now closed - congratulations to Lori Ques!

Handmade knitted neon scarf

Say hello to the happiest, loudest, most neon scarf ever made (by me, anyway)..

I'm relatively new to this knitting thing (making one snood, badly, does not make you a pro, I'm told). So this super chunky wool is perfect for a beginner because it knits up really quickly and let's face it, who wants to sit around knitting all day? (She says, knitting all day)

Also it was only £6.95 per ball, and you can't argue with cheap balls. That means it was only £14 for a scarf knitted EXACTLY to my specific scarf requirements. #FTW.

I have to admit, it's a pretty great feeling to wear something you made yourself, and, y'know, didn't find at the bottom of a shop's bargain bucket. Maybe one day I'll be one of those Nannas that knits embarrassing and colourful socks... or Shreddies.

So, if you'd also like to spend your Sunday nights rocking out with The Voice and a ball of wool (trust me, it's addictive... Knitting, not The Voice) then here are some great video tutorials that I used:

Step 1: Cast on and knit
Step 2: Purl
Step 3: Cast off
Step 4: Add tassels

So, get yourself some super chunky wool (yes, that's what it's *actually* called, I'm not trying to sound down with the kidz), some 10mm needles (aka super fat needles), and probably a kidney infection cos you're gonna be sat around for BARE TIME. Especially if you're an idiot like me and started knitting a scarf as wide as a blanket, only to unravel the whole bloody thing 2 days in.

Enjoy!
Madison x

Sex toy review: Little Rooster

You can spot a Morning Person a mile off. They skip down the street at 8am with a smile on their face and 10 things already ticked off their To-Do List. They've probably kicked off their morning with the homemade granola they just decided to whip up, and have already been to the gym. Bastards.

I on the other hand, hate weekday mornings. I set five alarms on my phone (with pleasant titles such as get out of bed, loser), I haphazardly do my make-up on the train to give me extra time in bed, and the only breakfast I can stomach is a strong coffee.

I never thought I could be a Morning Person.

But lo and behold, like things are set to change.

No I haven't employed a butler to make me homemade granola, or a personal assistant to tick things off my To-Do List. No. I now am the very proud owner of a Little Rooster. The world's first vibrating alarm clock which wakes you with pleasure. Now I'm the one skipping down the street at 8am with a smile on my face and at least one thing ticked off my To-Do List.

So, how does it work I hear the Women of Internet Land cry?

Charge it up and programme it.

The Little Rooster has an incredible 27 silent power levels and three turbo settings - it's fully customisable so you can decide how long your snooze is, how soft the beginning vibrations are, and how powerful your snorgasm becomes.

It also has dual motors so the vibrations are intense, and a 'play' setting so you can take if from an alarm clock to a fully-functional sex toy.

Put it in place.

Just slip the little device inside your knickers - the flat bit rests on your pubic bone and the leg rests gently on your clit (this toy is for external use only). It's surprisingly comfortable and I could barely feel it at all. In fact, I almost dropped it down the loo in the middle of the night.

Wake up and enjoy.

The Little Rooster doesn't jerk you into consciousness, it rouses you from slumber, gently, gradually, sensually. It really is the best way to greet the day.

Top Tip: Make sure you give yourself enough time to enjoy the Little Rooster properly. Trust me. I was buzzing and frustrated at work all day long.

Get your very own Little Rooster for only $69 (£39ish), and join the rest of us, waking up with a smile on our faces and a spring in our step.

Ciaté nails

I am OBSESSED with the Ciaté nails photography, so much so that I've even made the Colourfoil one my work desktop background. Love it.

Although there was a lot of buzz about the Ciaté Velvet manicure a few weeks ago, I've never actually tried their products (work-related stress has resulted in serious bouts of fingernail chewing) but they look amazing!

Colourfoil - £18 

The Caviar collection - £18

Fairground - from £9

My favourite is the Chalkboard mani which launches later this month. From what I can see, you apply a matte black base coat, use the four pastel pens (pink, blue, white, and green), create some funky patterns, and seal it with the matte top coat.

Now there's an incentive to stop biting my nails!

Have you tried Ciaté yet? What's the Velvet mani like? I cannot wait for the Chalkboard version to come out.