Whilst you've been reading 'Disney Princesses as... [teenagers / superheroes / men / paraplegics / etc], the genius(es?) over at Jezebel have been thinking about what Disney Princes' dicks look like.
Length, girth, tone, curvature, veins, pube bush, and so on.
It's not actually something I've considered. UNTIL NOW. And I have three questions:
1) How have I managed to get through adulthood without actually thinking about this?! 2) Why hasn't Robin Hood been included?! 3) AND WHERE IN HOLY HELL IS THE REAL-LIFE JOHN SMITH?!
Prince Adam (Beauty and the Beast)
Concealed by beastly levels of bush. HUGE. Underneath you'd find his average-size willy, uncircumcised, flaccid. Unappealing, basically, but he got you a rose, so hey.
Gaston (Beauty and the Beast)
Gaston likes to take nude selfies and has a small, pube-less, (did I mention TINY?), peen. Perhaps it's from eating 5 dozen eggs, Gaston. Or perhaps it's payback for throwing Maurice out into the SNOW. You horrible human.
His baggy pants have allowed his balls to grow without constraint - they're huge, and droopy. He's flaccid because, like his magic lamp, you have to rub it to get it to do anything.
Prince Charming (Cinderella)
Prince Charming is perfect, so obviously, he'd have the perfect package too. Eight or nine inches, thick (but not too girthy) super fucking ROCK hard, with a nice throbbing vein. Perfectly groomed (in a considerate-non-gay-porn-way), and look, he bought you some new shoes.
Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid)
Pleasant, medium-sized, half-erect, foreskin pulled back a little. Pale with a pink head. Medium-sized bush. Modest and slightly vulnerable, like Zac Efron in his High School Musical days.
Prince Naveen (Princess and the Frog)
Naveen is huge. Like, there is just TOO much penis here.
Curly blond pubes and big, full, round, firm balls. Short penis, but thick— like a can of Coca Cola —even when flaccid. For some reason, he's jamming with his troll family. Nude.
John Smith (Pocahontas)
John has a splendid penis (possibly too much penis). Circumcised and bushy because he's an American woodsman. He's enjoying the blue corn moon, asking the grinning bobcat why he grins.
Flynn's a horny bugger, and is into bondage with Rapunzel's golden hair. He has a warped sense of morality (thief, innit), so his wonky dick reflects that. His pubes look like his goatee.
I didn't really know what to expect. I was only told: I'd learn more about the practice, there would be demo, and an optional practical session. When I arrived, the room was buzzing with about forty people: a female entrepreneur, twenty-something couples, fifty-year old hippies, and plenty of straight-laced business men.
What did we all have in common?
Other than a desire to learn more about orgasm.
The experience was surprising. Unnerving. Intense. But incredible. I'm not going to go into LOADS of detail because everyone has a very unique reaction to the course - but for me, it was so powerful that it felt like something has been permanently unlocked. Something I didn't even know was there.
In the morning we learnt about the practice of OM - essentially, someone precisely strokes a woman's clitoris for 15 minutes (specifics, here). We learnt a bit about the biology - particularly the difference between the rational side of your brain v the emotional, limbic side. We learnt about how to live from your desire, how to understand female pleasure, how to become more sensual.
Then came the demo.
I tried SO hard to engage with what I was seeing. I could witness the pleasure but I couldn't get out of my head - all I could do was think how weird it was to watch someone stroke another person's clit in front of 40 people.
After the demo, we were invited to 'share a frame' (basically, reflecting on how the demo made us feel). Some people said it made them feel uncomfortable or aroused. But that's not really how you feel. It's how you think you feel. The group then started to get the idea. People started to say "I feel hot", "My legs feel tingly", "I'm short of breath", "my penis is stiffening"..
I started to put my hand up to say "I didn't feel anything at all" when all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with emotion - panic, fear, embarrassment, joy, hysteria, excitement. I felt everything at once. I instinctively put my hand down. But they saw me, and asked me to share my frame. I thought I could suppress it, control my emotions, I have done all my life, but out of nowhere, I exploded into tears.
Everyone looked shocked, but the staff knew exactly what to do. One came over and simply put her hand on my shoulder. She wanted to reassure me that she was simply... there. I was safe. I could cry. I could share my emotions. Even if I was in a room with a bunch of strangers.
After much incoherent, confused, sobbing it was soon explained to me that I was trying to analyse what I was seeing. I was suppressing the emotional connection my brain was trying to make by rationalising it all. But as soon as I went to speak (and I wasn't concentrating on logically assessing everything), the emotion bubbled up and exploded out my face.
You might think that is terrifying. Embarrassing. Horrifying. But it was liberating.
Because it helped me to realise: that's exactly what us women do during sex - we THINK. Does he like this? Is this any good? Can he see my cellulite? Fuck I forgot to buy kidney beans.
And ever since then, I've just felt switched on the entire time. I live through desire. And not sexual desire. I just want to touch everything. That textured wallpaper, that guy's beard, that dog's tail. I'm like a child discovering everything anew. Even as I write this and relive that moment my body feels fizzy. LITERALLY FIZZY, GUYS.
The impact this has had on me is insane. And I encourage you all to experience OM at least once in your life.
You might hate it, you might love it - regardless, you will feel something.
I can't believe we even need to debate this. I mean HONESTLY. Just look at these fine facial hair specimens. It's just pure manliness oozing from the pores.
I thought everyone (in their right fucking mind) shared my facial hair fetish (pogonophilia FYI), until a friend told me that his girlfriend didn't like it SO HE SHAVED IT OFF. A crime against male sexuality. Probably.
So let's build a case as to why you should let your face flourish and grow that goddamn beard.
They are proven to be more sexy
Not by me, by ACTUAL SCIENCE.
Facial hair strongly influences people's judgement of men's socio-sexual attributes. FACT. Research shows that women find men with heavy stubble the most attractive (compared to clean shaven etc), and men with beards are perceived to be healthier and better dad-material.
They have a history of being bad ass
In the Middle Ages, if a dude touched another dude's beard it was legit grounds to start a duel.
Beards are dangerous in battle because you could grab onto them - so bearded warriors were considered more legendary than all the other clean-shaven mama's boys out there.
They represent good health
Shut up about cleanliness or hygiene.
Juuuuust zip it.
Facial hair helps regulate body temperature, reduces harmful UV exposure by up to 95%, and signals a healthy immune system. They have a history of being wise and intelligent...
Think Sophocles, Abraham Lincoln, Shakespeare, Karl Marx, Hemingway, Jesus Christ, Einstein, Colonel Sanders, Father Christmas, Tom Selleck....
They signal higher social status
People perceive bearded men to have a "high-ranking social position and command respect over other men in the community". AND, in 2004, a study showed that senior academic professors at UK universities were bearded, in comparison to junior researchers and lecturers who were mostly clean-shaven.
They can turn dweebs into Gods...
...But they are not all created equal
There are many different styles...
...But clean-shaven guys only get one look - their face.
Sick of paying for Roger Federer, Tiger Woods and Thierry Henry's lifestyles? Then stop buying fucking razors and let that bush grow straight outta your face. No rashes. Not cuts. Only thing you'll have to worry about is managing the multitude of sexual advances about to come your way #KERCHIIING
Haters gonna hate but science proves that facial hair is sexy so there.
Dutch girl-band ADAM have to be my new all-time favourite group - not because their EDM is next level, but because their orgasm faces are.
For their new music video, the brave ADAM ladies were filmed trying to carry on singing whilst having an orgasm. That's right. Singing with a vibrator attached to your clit. You can even hear the toys.
ANYWAY. You can start to see flickers of pleasure right at the beginning of the song. It's a thing of beauty.Watch the whole video.
Even if we do all know how it ends.
(Sorry about the video size - can't figure out how to embed it properly and I'm tired, man. Leave me alone)