Wednesday, 25 January 2012

sex toy review - Clit Spinner Dolphin

This is quite literally the best sex toy I've ever used. Move over Body Wand and Rabbit, there's a new toy in (pleasure) town*.

The clue is in the title, and you can probably tell from the photo that the dolphin appendage is for clit stimulation. You've probably seen something similar (the Rabbit, right? Don't act like you don't know. Oh, you really don't know? Ok, the rabbit bit vibrates on your clit, whilst the shaft can do any number of things depending on the design - but usually it'll thrust, twist, or rotate), but you've never felt anything similar to the Clit Spinner Dolphin.


The dolphin:

Unlike the Rabbit, the dolphin appendage doesn't vibrate. No, it's spins. Yes. Yes. YESSS. It spins on your clit like nothing you've ever felt before. You can even reverse the rotation. And there are three speeds.

The shaft:

And what's so great about the Clit Spinner Dolphin's shaft? Well unlike most rabbits, the Clit Spinner Dolphin isn't rock solid. No, it's flexible. So you can use that to run along your wet.... WAHEY! YOU GET THE PICTURE. It vibrates. It has three speeds. The shaft is slightly curved towards the tip (we know what the means, right, girls? Full on g-spot action. And I don't mean once in a blue moon. I mean every. single. time.)

BOOM. Fireworks. Curtains down.

Um. Where was I?

Oh yes. So, it's very counterintuitive to explain a vibrator. You have to feel it. And boy, is this worth feeling. It hits allllll the right spots.

"But wait", I hear you cry, "my Rabbit does basically the same thing"

WRONG.

The elements may be similar (clit-stimulating appendage and a nice thick shaft) but it stimulates you in a completely different way. Trust me girls, you haven't had a solo orgasm like it. At risk of sounding like a bad Mills and Boon novel - my toes *actually* curled. And that usually only happens with a real. life. person.

DID I MENTION IT'S WATERPROOF? Jesus, the designer needs a medal and a slap on the back or something, I mean, is there anything it can't do? (OK, yes, it can't tweak your nipples at the same time or take you out for brunch the next day. BUT ssshhh.)

"I need the Clit Spinner Dolphin in my life/vagina!" you say? Well, it's a bit steep at £67.45... From sextoys.co.uk BUT I swear to the orgasm gods of Pluto that you will not regret this purchase. In fact, I KNOW you'll love it so much, that if you don't like it, I will personally give you your money back**.

I hereby declare the Clit Spinner Dolphin as a 10/10, catapulting it ahead of all my other sex toys (including the Body Wand and the Rabbit)



*MASSIVE thank you to Mistress Cara and  www.sextoys.co.uk  for sending me the Clit Spinner Dolphin. My clit would salute you if it could.
** I'm disgustingly poor so don't expect any actual monies. But you get the emphasis. Right?

Sunday, 15 January 2012

First date No Nos

Men, the first date is all about first impressions.

Once you've hooked her with your natural wit/charm/looks/impressive penis the following points might be rendered futile. BUT you gotta get it right on the first date, to make sure there's a second.


So here are my top three first date No Nos:

INDECISIVENESS

If you're standing around umming and ahhing, saying shit like 'I don't mind where we go, let's just walk around for a bit', I'm probably gonna start thinking you don't give a fuck. You haven't thought this through. Or perhaps worse, you're an unimaginitive bozo that never leaves the comfort of your local pub.

On the other hand, if a guy whisks me up and says 'right,there's a great little restaurant I want to take you to', I'm gonna think "yes, that's the kind of forthright, can-do attitude" I'm looking for.

GOING DUTCH

It's an age-old conundrum - Who pays? Does the guy pay? Do you split the bill? Do you offer? What? The pressure! The anxiety!

But let's get one thing straight - there's a very big difference between being stingy and being broke. Being broke is easily fixable - take her to a bar with happy hour, a cheap(ish) restaurant, a walk in the park. Being stingy, on the other hand, is an irredeemable trait. A stingy person will always be stingy, no matter how many dolla dolla bills he's got in his moth-ridden wallet.

So if you don't take control of the finances on the first date, you run the risk of looking stingy. If you don't reach immediately for the bill, it looks a bit crass, like you don't want to pay. Here are just a few things she might be thinking:

- Fucking cheapskate. Why have you asked me out to this fancy restaurant if you can't afford it? I sure as shit didn't choose this pretentious bog hole. I'd have been happy with a maccy ds and an alleyway fondle (probably not).

- Aha! He's just not that into me. I probably haven't lived up to his expectations, I mean, you don't spend money on someone you don't like, do you?


On a first date she doesn't know you're broke, she's just gonna think you're stingy or not bothered about her. She'll know this eventually. And whatever you do, don't counteract this by moaning about money, because..

MOANING ABOUT MONEY

SUCH a no no. Moaning on a first date is categorically wrong. Full stop. End of. HashtagNO. It's unattractive. So why would you think it's ok to moan about money? Would you like it if I sat there whining "oh I'm sooooo fat", "I fucking hate my job", "my friend Georgia is SUCH a twat"?

No.

Not only would you be thinking "bore off, love", you'd probably also think "well why don't you do something about it?" The topic of money is included in this universal no-moaning-on-a-first-date rule. Face it buddy, no one's flush with cash at the moment. But do I wanna hear about this on a first date? Of course fucking not.

There you go. My top three first date No Nos - it's by no means an exhaustive list.. But they're probably the main things that would turn me off immediately. Wanna add your first date No Nos? Sharing is sexy - so comment below :-)