Monday, 25 November 2013

9 signs I need to stop going out as much

Sometimes, there's nothing better than some good, old self-reflection (no, I don't mean hanging over the toilet seat, staring at your puke-dribbling reflection in the toilet water). No. I mean self-reflection in the most positive way. So here are 9 signs that have helped me realise I should probably stop going out as much.

98% of photos on my phone are drunken selfies

Or instagram pictures that I protest are "supposed to be ironic, DUH"

90% less likely to wear a coat on a night out

£2 for the cloakroom?
A 45 minute wait?
I'll just snuggle up in my wine blanket, thanks.

75% of daily conversations begin, awkwardly, with "so, about last night.."

And usually, I don't want to know the answer.

60% of my texts are ones I REALLY shouldn't have sent

And are peppered with inappropriate emoticons

54% of people I meet are completely forgettable

20% of my time the next day is spent checking my bank balance, freaking out, and reporting fraud to Natwest

Turns out, fraud's virtually impossible when it's chip and pin.
Turns out, I just forgot the drunken 4am KFC I bought... For EVERYONE IN KFC.

8% of my body's covered with suspicious scrapes and bruises

5% of my wardrobe is stolen from other drunk people

Highlights include:
  • Stacks of sunglasses
  • Halloween/Christmas costume/props
  • hats nicked from people's actual heads
  • and Jaegerbomb flower garlands because you can really never have enough of those
0% self-awareness on a hangover

Clearly. Because I have no issues with going out in public dressed like THIS:

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Interview with a lover of chastity and orgasm denial

Here's the next interview with an anonymous fetishist. Everyone, meet Andy. Author of fantastic blog, Ruffled Sheets. And lover of chastity devices and orgasm denial. WHY am I interviewing people with fetishes? Because you (perverts) seem to ruddy LOVE them.

So what IS a chastity fetish?

It involves (at the very least) a person giving up some kind of control of their orgasms. From mild "tease & denial" (one person controls their partner’s orgasm, usually by speeding up & slowing down), to 24/7 control (someone’s locked in a secure device that prevents them from achieving orgasm). Their partner is called a "keyholder" and decides when they should be let out.

So what is it about chastity that turns you on?

Tough question. There are two aspects: The first is the power exchange between myself and my “key holder”. The second is the intense state of arousal I feel when I'm chaste.

Tell us more about those two aspects

I'm in control of everything else in my life – my own boss, with my own company. But, in secret, having that aspect of control taken away from me, or rather, giving that control to someone else is such a turn on.

Also, like most guys, my arousal resets to zero immediately after I orgasm. Back to square one. I intensely enjoy being turned on, so that can be disappointing. Of course, I always enjoy reaching orgasm, but do I really want to sacrifice my arousal for just a few seconds of (albeit amazing) pleasure? Often, I don't.

Like most guys, the only way for me to stay aroused is not to orgasm. I didn't know this when I started experimenting with chastity, but there's a level of arousal that can only be achieved by abstaining from orgasm for a few weeks. I love it!

(Yep. This is a pic of Andy. Yep. I know. Be cool.)

How did your fetish begin?

Enjoying being teased. It just progressed from there. Since I first began masturbating I used to bring myself to the brink of orgasm again and again, a practice I now know is called "edging". I then started fantasising about someone else “edging” me, not being allowed to orgasm – but it was always a fantasy. I would always orgasm when masturbating.

Years later, I looked online to see if others had a similar fetish. I found teasing erotica, low-end porn, and a few chastity websites. It introduced me to chastity devices and I began fantasising about being locked in one myself.

It was all a fantasy though, until out of the blue, when my partner was giving me a handjob, just when I was about to orgasm, she stopped then slowed right down. It was like an epiphany! It felt amazing. She did it a few times before she eventually made me orgasm and it blew my mind. I was unable to think or concentrate on anything. It felt like my head was about to explode. By that point I knew my interests were more than just fantasy.

She then challenged me to see how long I could abstain from orgasm. We agreed a week, but I tried as long as I could – I ended up going for five weeks! It only ended because we started fooling around and neither of us could stop.

Soon after, I ordered my first chastity device (The Curve) and we gave it a try. I wore it for a few hours at first. But then I got used to it and could wear it for days before needing to take it off and clean.

How did it feel, putting it on for the first time?

Strange. It’s an alien feeling to be prevented from achieving a full erection. When it arrived, I was so excited, I tried to put it on right away. But I was so turned on that it wouldn't actually fit! When I was eventually calm enough to put it on, I did so and tried to carry on with things as normal. Urinating was strange – sitting down, easier. Walking around was fine. Laying on my front was awkward, but on my side or back was fine. Night-time erections would wake me up all the time, but they’d subside, and I was more than prepared to put up with a little short-term discomfort to fulfil my fantasy.

So when did the chastity properly begin for the first time?

During that time I had a spare key on me – it was my first time, I didn’t know if I had the right size or if it would do any damage.

But when I was happy and handed over all the keys, it was such a rush. I was so turned on but couldn’t do anything about it. I had no idea when I would be let out again or when my next orgasm would be. It was thrilling. After a couple of weeks wearing the device (except for a couple of times I was allowed to unlock to clean), my partner unlocked me and gave me an orgasm. It was so intense and so amazing.

So your partner happily indulges your fetish?
Yes, she does. She's not into it as much as I am, but we both have a lot of fun with it. We both have different turn-ons, like most couples, so we both do what we can to fulfil each other's desires.

Have you ever had a partner who wouldn’t explore chastity?

I can't answer this question. I've been with the same girl for over 10 years now. I discovered chastity early in our relationship, so she's the only one I've ever done this with.

Do you and your partner both use these devices, or just you?
Just me! She'd never wear anything like that, I'm sure!

What's your favourite device and why?

Most comfortable is the Bon4L – it’s silicone. It moulds to my body. Perfect for everyday activities and being active. The downside is that it's very enclosed (it needs to be, silicone isn't as strong as other materials) and needs to be taken off to clean more often than other devices.

I have a couple of steel ones. But my perfect device would be custom made from steel, or maybe titanium. There are a few companies, such as Steel Werks Extreme. They can cost thousands but I’m sure I’ll invest at some point. 

(Andy's Birdcage chastity device complete with stunt willy)

What's your greatest fantasy involving chastity?

Unfortunately, it’s not one I could ever act it out. I've fantasised about being a teenager, a virgin again, locked in a device by a teasing girlfriend who wanted to control my orgasms and not let me have sex with her. Being so young and sexually charged, but in a device is a huge turn on. Obviously, I'm no longer a virgin, but it's a nice fantasy!

OK, what about a fantasy that you could achieve?

Having my penis pierced and it being incorporated into a chastity device. Lots of devices have the Prince Albert attachment – it prevents the wearer from pulling out. Being so securely locked-in is a big turn on!

Ever felt weird about your fetish?

Oh, all the time. Abstaining from orgasm is paradoxical. So that has to be a little weird, right? Locking a steel device onto my penis to prevent erection? Very weird. But it doesn’t make me feel bad – if I had low confidence then maybe it would. But I’m quite alright not being average, and I’ve never wanted a mediocre sex life.

Can you recommend any useful websites for people interested in chastity?
I haven't been there for a while, but I remember a resource called - it's all about chastity in general and "tease & denial". I haven't been there for years now, but there used to be a great forum with a really helpful community of people - they'd share links and such.

Finally, are you wearing anything right now...?

I'm actually, currently reviewing a chrome-look CB-6000 for a new online store, so it's a good time to ask that question! Not sure when I'll be let out (other than for cleaning). But I feel great! It's a very tight fit, but surprisingly comfortable. I was able to sleep through the night almost immediately, which is rare. Normally it takes a week or so to acclimatise to a new device.

(The CB-6000 chastity device and a fucking cool-looking coffee)

Got a question for Andy? Add it in the comments below!
Check out Ruffled Sheets or follow him on Twitter. Seriously. He's lush. Do it.

Sunday, 17 November 2013

porn women v real women


Porn Woman: "Yeah, I love it when you spit on my pussy - feels great. Like you really respect me. And it just drives me WILD when you go down on me with a pointy tongue and dry fingers. Now let's give up on the foreplay pretence, just jack hammer the fuck out of me. That's what I'm here for anyway. I'll just lie here and writhe/moan forcibly."

Real Woman: "Let's make-out for, like, 10-12 minutes. Or until I'm sufficiently lubricated. Kiss me slowly, deeply (too much tongue!), that's right - nibble my ear, kiss down my neck, keep going down, DON'T FORGET MY NIPPLES, yep, just shut up and keep going 'til I can't control it and throw myself on top of you"


Porn Woman: "Wow, a 10-inch cock. That's all I ever dream of. AND MORE"


Talking dirty

Porn Woman: "I love it when you call me a "slut" and "whore". Who's my daddy? YOU'RE MY DADDY AND NO I DON'T FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE OR WEIRDED OUT BY THAT AT ALL"

Real Woman: "That's good, whisper some sexy stuff in my ear. Actually just shut up, you're weirding me out"

Giving head

Porn Woman: "This is my all-time favourite activity. Especially love it when you grab my hair/head and try to force it in further. Oops, sorry, GAG REFLEX hahah! Mmm yum, I really wouldn't rather be anywhere else right now - not even eating chocolate or playing with puppies!"

Real Woman: "He seems to be enjoying this. GET THE FUCK OFF MY HAIR. Not too deep or I'll puke. I'll puke all over that dick. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? Should I do something with the balls? Or rub that gooch bit?"


Porn Woman: "I've never tasted anything so good! I wish they bottled it and sold it at Wholefoods!"

Real Woman: "I had a bad experience once. I'm allergic. I hear it's fattening. Full of calories. I just put new sheets. You come too much. You don't taste very nice. DON'T GET ANY IN MY HAIR"

Anal sex

Porn Woman: "Harder! Faster! Until you could open me wide enough to house a family of badgers!"

Real Woman: "Do I really want to do this? What have I got myself into? Oh, this isn't so bad. Wait. I'm pooping. Am I pooping? ABORT, ABORT."

The finale

Porn Woman: "OK, he's finished. I'm too raw to feel anything down there. Doesn't matter anyway because he's rolled off me now. What. I was ready to give my greatest fake orgasm performance. Now the world will never know how loudly I can scream"

Real Woman: "Has he come? I'm almost there, *unattractive spasm*, keep doing that, don't stop, keep going, *pulls weird face, probably*, so close, almost there, yes, almost, *goes rigid*, here it comes, Fuccck yeee*SPASM, TOES SEIZE UP, DEAD LEG, COLLAPSE*eeees

Now, get me some water/food/Eastenders and let's spoon"

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Review: Wonderbra Glamour Dot set

Wonderbra's gone and done it again. They've gone and endowed us little-boobied-ladies with some badonkadonkDONK.

I've been lucky enough to try out their LUSH new Glamour Dot set. I chose it because it's feminine, sexy, a little bit vintage/kitsch, and I don't have any high waisted pants in my knicker drawer.

It's so hard to find a set you truly love - either the knickers make your butt look perfect but the matching bra gives you cone boob. Or vice versa. This set, however, fits me really well and I feel super confident in it (if you're like me, lingerie shopping strikes fear into your self-esteem..)

The bra (£25) is a balconette style, so it really pushes you right up and gives you a seriously sexy cleavage.

The knickers (£12) are high-waisted (obvz). I was worried they'd dig-in around my waist squidge, or make my butt look bulbous. NEVER FEAR. They're seriously flattering. So flattering, in fact, that I genuinely considered posting a pic of myself in the set. But then remembered I'm not Nikki Minaj.

I chose the 34B and the size 10 briefs