Tuesday, 19 August 2014

What does Disney Prince Peen look like?

Whilst you've been reading 'Disney Princesses as... [teenagers / superheroes / men / paraplegics / etc], the genius(es?) over at Jezebel have been thinking about what Disney Princes' dicks look like.

Length, girth, tone, curvature, veins, pube bush, and so on.

It's not actually something I've considered. UNTIL NOW. And I have three questions:

1) How have I managed to get through adulthood without actually thinking about this?!
2) Why hasn't Robin Hood been included?!

Prince Adam (Beauty and the Beast)

Concealed by beastly levels of bush. HUGE. Underneath you'd find his average-size willy, uncircumcised, flaccid. Unappealing, basically, but he got you a rose, so hey.

Gaston (Beauty and the Beast)

Gaston likes to take nude selfies and has a small, pube-less, (did I mention TINY?), peen. Perhaps it's from eating 5 dozen eggs, Gaston. Or perhaps it's payback for throwing Maurice out into the SNOW. You horrible human.

Aladdin (Aladdin)

His baggy pants have allowed his balls to grow without constraint - they're huge, and droopy. He's flaccid because, like his magic lamp, you have to rub it to get it to do anything.

Prince Charming (Cinderella)

Prince Charming is perfect, so obviously, he'd have the perfect package too. Eight or nine inches, thick (but not too girthy) super fucking ROCK hard, with a nice throbbing vein. Perfectly groomed (in a considerate-non-gay-porn-way), and look, he bought you some new shoes.

Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid)

Pleasant, medium-sized, half-erect, foreskin pulled back a little. Pale with a pink head. Medium-sized bush. Modest and slightly vulnerable, like Zac Efron in his High School Musical days.

Prince Naveen (Princess and the Frog)

Naveen is huge. Like, there is just TOO much penis here.

Kristoff (Frozen)

Curly blond pubes and big, full, round, firm balls. Short penis, but thick— like a can of Coca Cola —even when flaccid. For some reason, he's jamming with his troll family. Nude.

John Smith (Pocahontas)

John has a splendid penis (possibly too much penis). Circumcised and bushy because he's an American woodsman. He's enjoying the blue corn moon, asking the grinning bobcat why he grins.

Flynn (Rapunzel)

Flynn's a horny bugger, and is into bondage with Rapunzel's golden hair. He has a warped sense of morality (thief, innit), so his wonky dick reflects that. His pubes look like his goatee.

Illustrated by Tara Jacoby
Inspired by Jezebel

Thursday, 26 June 2014

My orgasmic meditation experience

A few months ago, I was invited to try an orgasmic meditation class.

I didn't really know what to expect.  I was only told: I'd learn more about the practice, there would be demo, and an optional practical session. When I arrived, the room was buzzing with about forty people: a female entrepreneur, twenty-something couples, fifty-year old hippies, and plenty of straight-laced business men.

What did we all have in common?
Not much.
Other than a desire to learn more about orgasm.

The experience was surprising. Unnerving. Intense. But incredible. I'm not going to go into LOADS of detail because everyone has a very unique reaction to the course - but for me, it was so powerful that it felt like something has been permanently unlocked. Something I didn't even know was there.

In the morning we learnt about the practice of OM - essentially, someone precisely strokes a woman's clitoris for 15 minutes (specifics, here). We learnt a bit about the biology - particularly the difference between the rational side of your brain v the emotional, limbic side. We learnt about how to live from your desire, how to understand female pleasure, how to become more sensual.

Then came the demo.

I tried SO hard to engage with what I was seeing. I could witness the pleasure but I couldn't get out of my head - all I could do was think how weird it was to watch someone stroke another person's clit in front of 40 people.

After the demo, we were invited to 'share a frame' (basically, reflecting on how the demo made us feel). Some people said it made them feel uncomfortable or aroused. But that's not really how you feel. It's how you think you feel. The group then started to get the idea. People started to say "I feel hot", "My legs feel tingly", "I'm short of breath", "my penis is stiffening"..

I started to put my hand up to say "I didn't feel anything at all" when all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with emotion - panic, fear, embarrassment, joy, hysteria, excitement. I felt everything at once. I instinctively put my hand down. But they saw me, and asked me to share my frame. I thought I could suppress it, control my emotions, I have done all my life, but out of nowhere, I exploded into tears.

Everyone looked shocked, but the staff knew exactly what to do. One came over and simply put her hand on my shoulder. She wanted to reassure me that she was simply... there. I was safe. I could cry. I could share my emotions. Even if I was in a room with a bunch of strangers.

After much incoherent, confused, sobbing it was soon explained to me that I was trying to analyse what I was seeing. I was suppressing the emotional connection my brain was trying to make by rationalising it all. But as soon as I went to speak (and I wasn't concentrating on logically assessing everything), the emotion bubbled up and exploded out my face.

You might think that is terrifying. Embarrassing. Horrifying. But it was liberating.

Because it helped me to realise: that's exactly what us women do during sex - we THINK. Does he like this? Is this any good? Can he see my cellulite? Fuck I forgot to buy kidney beans.

And ever since then, I've just felt switched on the entire time. I live through desire. And not sexual desire. I just want to touch everything. That textured wallpaper, that guy's beard, that dog's tail. I'm like a child discovering everything anew. Even as I write this and relive that moment my body feels fizzy. LITERALLY FIZZY, GUYS.

The impact this has had on me is insane. And I encourage you all to experience OM at least once in your life.
You might hate it, you might love it - regardless, you will feel something.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Why facial hair's the best thing to happen to a man's face

I can't believe we even need to debate this. I mean HONESTLY. Just look at these fine facial hair specimens. It's just pure manliness oozing from the pores.

I thought everyone (in their right fucking mind) shared my facial hair fetish (pogonophilia FYI), until a friend told me that his girlfriend didn't like it SO HE SHAVED IT OFF. A crime against male sexuality. Probably.

So let's build a case as to why you should let your face flourish and grow that goddamn beard.

They are proven to be more sexy

Not by me, by ACTUAL SCIENCE.

Facial hair strongly influences people's judgement of men's socio-sexual attributes. FACT. Research shows that women find men with heavy stubble the most attractive (compared to clean shaven etc), and men with beards are perceived to be healthier and better dad-material.

They have a history of being bad ass

In the Middle Ages, if a dude touched another dude's beard it was legit grounds to start a duel. 

Beards are dangerous in battle because you could grab onto them - so bearded warriors were considered more legendary than all the other clean-shaven mama's boys out there.

They represent good health

Shut up about cleanliness or hygiene.
Juuuuust zip it.
Facial hair helps regulate body temperature, reduces harmful UV exposure by up to 95%, and signals a healthy immune system.

They have a history of being wise and intelligent...

Think Sophocles, Abraham Lincoln, Shakespeare, Karl Marx, Hemingway, Jesus Christ, Einstein, Colonel Sanders, Father Christmas, Tom Selleck....

They signal higher social status

People perceive bearded men to have a "high-ranking social position and command respect over other men in the community". AND, in 2004, a study showed that senior academic professors at UK universities were bearded, in comparison to junior researchers and lecturers who were mostly clean-shaven.

They can turn dweebs into Gods...

...But they are not all created equal

There are many different styles...

...But clean-shaven guys only get one look - their face.

They're cheaper

Sick of paying for Roger Federer, Tiger Woods and Thierry Henry's lifestyles? Then stop buying fucking razors and let that bush grow straight outta your face. No rashes. Not cuts. Only thing you'll have to worry about is managing the multitude of sexual advances about to come your way #KERCHIIING

In conclusion...

Haters gonna hate but science proves that facial hair is sexy so there.

I mean it.

Friday, 9 May 2014

Watch: Dutch girl group try to sing whilst having an orgasm

Dutch girl-band ADAM have to be my new all-time favourite group - not because their EDM is next level, but because their orgasm faces are.

For their new music video, the brave ADAM ladies were filmed trying to carry on singing whilst having an orgasm. That's right. Singing with a vibrator attached to your clit. You can even hear the toys.

You can start to see flickers of pleasure right at the beginning of the song.
It's a thing of beauty.Watch the whole video.
Even if we do all know how it ends.

(Sorry about the video size - can't figure out how to embed it properly and I'm tired, man. Leave me alone)

Thursday, 24 April 2014

online dating and the freaks of Internet Land

If you've tried online dating (and you have a vagina), I'm sure you'll have experienced the Desperate Horny Man's scatter gun approach: throw enough genital-related requests at the women on these sites/apps and something's gotta stick.

These men sit behind the safety of their computer, where they can be pervy and disgusting to women without getting punched/slapped/a drink thrown on them in real-life. Doesn't matter what the woman's looking for, who she is, what she's about - anything goes.

For the most-part, it's relatively amusing - but soon it grows tiresome and actually very insulting. No matter what you're looking for online (a relationship or even a non-creepy casual hook-up), you do not deserve to receive perverse and unsolicited messages from the freaks of Internet Land.

So I was really excited when I came across this little project by Boston-based artist, Anna Gensler. She decided to give Internet Dating Creeps a taste of their own medicine - anyone who was rude and derogatory to her on OKCupid was drawn "sad-naked" with tiny little willies. Follow her on Instagram to see them all.

Bloody brilliant.

Gensler: "when someone does something I think is rude, I always want to give them a taste of their own medicine. I’m an artist, and I try to use art as my weapon, even though that sounds so lame"

Gensler: "I feel like the guys who are really creepy don’t even bother to read my profile at all. They’re just like, “This girl has two arms and two legs.”

Gensler:"I started doodling how I would imagine them naked … except sad-naked. It was the most immature thing I could think of, because their pickup lines are the most juvenile, basic things, but also still oddly offensive."

Gensler: "I put a warning to guys on there: “I’m going to draw you naked if you send me rude messages,” and linked back to the Instagram."

Gensler: "Some of them get really angry and say a bunch of mean stuff. Some of them get a little bit offended and say, “Why am I so fat? My facial hair doesn’t really look like that. My nipples are smaller than that!”...  But a couple of guys have actually said smart things after I sent it to them. But if you’re smart and seem like a normal person, why are you using opening lines like “I love butt sex”?"

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

REAL #foodporn

Ahh #foodporn, my favourite ever Instagram hashtag for all my foodie (fatty) needs.

Ever wondered what REAL food porn would look like?

No. Me neither.

But for some reason, the perverts at Bold Italic have. They've even put their thoughts into a wee little video for your viewing pleasure. It's actually quite obscene. And a turn on. NO WAIT I'M KIDDING. Definitely NOT turned on right now. Honest.

Monday, 14 April 2014

Happy 27 Birthday Air Max

So the Nike Air Max is older than me. But unlike me, they get better with age.

Happy birthday you beautiful, colourful, bold, trainer, you. Happy bloody birthday.

Here are some cool pictures of these legendary trainers. The crazier, the better - in my opinion.

Image from Instagram user: garbuwka

Image from Instagram user: airmaxalways

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

What's the best chocolate bar?

...You can't ask me that
No I really couldn't even begin to..
..Don't make me
This is like the worst question anyone's ever asked me"

...Is basically how I felt when I saw this illustration on Stylist.co.uk this week.

But if I was suspended above a pool of ill-tempered, mutated, sea bass and FORCED to answer this terrible, evil conundrum, then I might go with:

  1. Lion Bar
  2. Peanut Butter Cup
  3. Turkish Delight
  4. Wispa Gold
  5. Twix-Twirl-CremeEgg-Boost-KitKatChunky-Flake-Caramel-Aero?
I just don't know.

Image by David Wildish. Buy the print here.

Sunday, 6 April 2014

Why I won't watch mainstream porn any more...

"Woah woah woah, Madison. C'mon. No porn? Ever?!"

OK, not exactly. Don't freak out. Jeez.

But I was watching porn the other night (SHUT UP WE ALL DO IT), and suffered a bit of a revelation. When I watch sex, I want to see ... sex. Real sex. But I seem to find less and less of that online nowadays. Instead, I spend aaaages trawling through websites, trying to find something that works for me. And none of it does.

I guess, my brain and clit finally had enough of all the fake shit. So I started to deviate from the task at hand, and began pondering one of life's true mysteries. Who really wants to watch bukakke and cream pies and cum shots? Because it certainly ain't me.

Now, I'm not saying that everyone's preference is the same. In fact, it's none of my damn business what you're into. But it becomes my business (and now I'm speaking on behalf of Womankind), when porn starts to impact on real-world-sex.

Mainstream porn is never, ever, about true female pleasure. And that's because, essentially, it was created by men, for men. We're living in a right-here-right-now society, and our porn is the same. They've managed to cut out all the build-up, the romance, the mystery, and magic of sex.

We're launched into this horrid world of terrible music, cum-guzzling whores, and monster cocks. Where it's normal to spit on your loved one's penis; to be primed and gagging for sex within 10 seconds of seeing a dick; where foreplay involves a strange and evidently unpleasurable pokey-rigid-tongue manoeuvre, where women moan 'yeah' over and over whilst being pumped-up from behind like a bloody life-raft; where women are never brought to real orgasm by their men.

Watching that is the ultimate turn-off. I feel sorry for the women on-screen because it's fake, humiliating, painful, and uncomfortable - so far from true pleasure it's not even funny.

I don't want to watch ridiculous sex caricatures. I want to watch something real. Our bodies and our sensations are enough - sex is basic, and primal and wonderful - we don't need to add all that other shit.

So I've started an anonymous tumblr, full of sexy and sensual photos & GIFs. Essentially, I've curated my very own bespoke porn site. And no, I won't tell you what it's called - because it's just for me.

What do you reckon? Agree. Disagree... Think I'm totally off the mark?

Friday, 28 March 2014

Interview: What is Orgasmic Meditation?

I went to an orgasmic meditation course the other weekend (review to follow). It was probably the most surreal event I've ever been to. And I've struggled to explain it properly to friends - although it's quite bizarre, it's also very natural. And I've realised, you can't really rationalise or explain something that's so natural. So, instead, I interviewed Maya - a passionate, switched-on, orgasmic meditation tutor.

So, what is Orgasmic Meditation?

Orgasmic Meditation (OM for short) is like yoga for your sex life - a 15-minute practice where a partner strokes a woman's clitoris with precise attention. Instead of reaching for the goal of climax, OM teaches people a new model of orgasm that works for women's bodies. It's process-oriented, feminine, and gives both people a lot of extra energy. Men learn to feel their own sensations as well as her sensations in a way that boosts their confidence undeniably. 

Founder, Nicole Daedone, at an OMing class

What is the *actual* process of OMing?

She undresses from the waist down and butterflies her legs open.
He sits to her right. And sets a timer for 15 minutes.
He puts on latex gloves, and some lube.
With his left forefinger he begins stroking at the 1 o’clock spot in the upper left quadrant of her clitoris.
As lightly as you’d stroke your eyelid.
15 minutes.
She and he relax into the sensation of the stroke.

An Orgasmic Meditation "nest". Image from nataliethiel.wordpress.com

Why do people do it?

There are a LOT of reasons why people OM. But some of the main ones are: To understand their relationships and sexuality more, to have more energy, to increase their sensitivity, to learn how to live from their desire

What's in it for men?

Men learn how to feel a woman so intensely that there is never a doubt about what she's feeling. They go from being "the guy who doesn't know what's going on with her" to " the guy who can feel the subtlest shifts in her mood." The experience is, surprisingly, very pleasurable for men. They start to feel a mirrored experience of what she is feeling. They literally feel her Orgasm in their bodies.

What's in it for women?

Most women don't even know what is possible in the realm of orgasm. What we're taught is that if you can climax, or better yet at the same moment as our partners, that is the best it gets. The truth is that the way we've thought about orgasm is a fraction of what is possible. As you practice, you begin to have a visceral sense of filling up a hunger that most women didn't even realize they had. Or, it can take your sex from being good to even better.

What's in it for single people?

OMing for single people is great! We have a huge population of single OMers who practice the meditation with other practitioners they make friends with. It's refreshing to be able to develop your sexuality, communication, and desire even if you don't have a romantic partner. It brings more vibrancy to who you are as a person so every part of your life will be enhanced, from friendships to work.

What's in it for couples?

For couples, OM deepens how much they can feel connected to each other. Almost more importantly than in times of good, OM helps couples stay connected when things get rough. In those times, it's often when couples want least to be connected, but when they need it most. OM gives them a practice to sync into to spend 15 minutes simply feeling.

How did you get into OMing?

I found it randomly, five years ago, from a friend telling me about it in NY. I went to an event and fell in love. The level of honesty and realness that the people had was inspiring, not to mention the glow. Then I tried OM and didn't feel a thing but was determined to open this part of myself up. After even a short while of practice, I had so much more energy and my desire and sex life were getting phenomenal.

What are your plans for Oming and where do you expect it to go?

We've been growing it rapidly over the last decade. Our plan is to hit 6 billion OMers.

For more information, add your question in the comments below. Or watch this great TED talk.

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Review: Nymphomaniac Vol. 1

I'm going to say up front: Nymphomaniac Vol 1. is an utterly wonderful film.

It's the first of two films by Lars Von Trier and has a whole host of amazing actors. Vol 1 follows the early life of Joe, a depressed, self–deprecating, exhausted female nymphomaniac played by Charlotte Gainsbourg. A nameless man (played by Stellan SkarsgĂ„rd) finds Joe on the street – bruised and unconscious.

He takes her in, fixes her up, and gives her some (weak-ass looking) tea. His gentle, non-threatening, nature comforts Joe and she begins to tell him her life story. It's the start of an incredibly tender and non-sexual relationship, juxtaposed with a (pretty graphic) promiscuous life story.

No spoilers here – you really must see this film – but there are some incredibly compelling moments within it. From fly-fishing metaphors about promiscuity, to Uma Thurman's 15-minute cameo in which she TOTALLY fucking nails it.

And unsurprisingly, there are some completely shocking moments too: from really (I mean REALLY) explicit oral and anal sex scenes involving a 15-year-old Joe, to horrendous British accents by Christan Slater (Irish?) and Shia LeBeouf (South African?!).

We're going to watch Vol 2 next week. It's even more graphic, brutal, apparently unwatchable in some places.
My flatmate said he couldn't even discuss it.
My friend says she walked out.
I can't wait.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

40 things we should all probably give up for Lent

1) Loud laughing at terrible jokes (inc. your boss and that hot guy in account management)

2) Using hashtags in real-life conversations (eg "urgh hashtag worst day evahhh)

3) Saying ‘LOL’ ‘or ‘WTF’ or ‘FML’ in real-life conversations 

4) Drunk visits to Chicken Cottage

5) Drunk visits to McDonald's

6) Drunk visits to your ex

7) Drunk texting

8) Drunk blogging

9) Being in a glass case of emotion 

10) Going on about Leo Dicaprio and his never-to-be-Oscar

11) Trying to make ‘fetch’ happen (IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN)

12) Logging out of LinkedIn so you can stalk people without them knowing

13) Art directing your salad before Instagramming it

14) Facebook stalking exes

15) Facebook stalking anyone

16) Inviting people to play Candy Crush

17) Inviting people to your bad gig

18) Hate-reading online

19) Secretly liking Katie Hopkins

20) Secretly liking Piers Morgan

21) Avoiding eye contact with pregnant women from the comfort of your Tube seat

22) Farting in lifts and looking around incredulously to disguise your guilt

23) Wasting WAY too much time looking at memes and Buzzfeed

24) Saying ‘I’m not being funny, but..’

25) Saying ‘just sayin’

26) Wearing pink on Wednesdays 

27) Sending colleagues Snapchats

28) Tweeting First world problems


30) Weighing yourself completely naked to get best results

31) Social smoking

32) Smoking

33) Alcohol

34) Smoking and alcohol

35) Coffee

36) Wheat

37) Gluten

38) Hangovers

39) Fun

40) Writing lists