Wednesday, 19 February 2014

10 compliments that are actually just insulting / confusing

Sometimes, men can get it truly, spectacularly, wrong. Sometimes, it's a misjudged comment. Sometimes, it's a "neg" (but we'll get to that another time). Either way, here are just a few of my favourite vague, non-compliments:

1) You clean up well!

Your shock has been duly noted.
Alert the Daily Mail, I'll go powder my face and light myself on fire.

2) Smile. You look much prettier when you smile.

And you look much prettier when you SHUT THE HELL UP

3) You have a great personality

I know, right?!
Now hand me that paper bag.

4) You’re not like other girls

Oh right. Better? Worse?
Comparing me to your female friends or an ex?
Or do you mean to say: “I have such low expectations of women that I’m amazed you’re even able to conversate and walk upright. Well done, you.”

5) You look so great .... today!

Let’s put a note in the diary for this day, every year, so I can celebrate exactly how great I looked on this day. And this day alone.

6) That’s some outfit!

Ladies and gents, we have a professional neg artist. Observe his attempts to bring you down, and his own detestable insecurity.

7) You're funny... for a girl

Thanks. Can I go back to birthin' babies now?

8) You’re so nice

Porridge is nice. New socks are nice. The postman is nice. BRENDA. IN COMPLIANCE. IS NICE.

9) How are you single?

AKA: 'what's wrong with you?'. Now I have to explain my singledom. And trust me, all explanations make you sound undateable, whiny, high maintenance, or dangerously flawed.

10) You look young for your age..

And you look like a guy who's face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork. J/k.
But seriously, you trying to say 25 year olds are, like, well old bruv? Cos we totally know how to rock that cas bah.

Got any more? Share in the comments below :)

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Event: Durex Embrace Valentine's Lights show

Oh, hi there.
You're looking beautiful today.
So, I've got something to ask..
What you doin' the day before Valentine's Day?
Oh, nothin?
Cool, do you, um....
...wanna hang out?
Maybe see a show...

EXCELLENT. Then you simply must come to the Durex Embrace event this Thursday (13 Feb) to celebrate Valentine's Day.

Durex are putting on a crazy, sensual light / dance extravaganza at Southbank (right by the OXO Tower). The guy who did the light display for the goddamn Olympic ceremonies is working on it. So it's GONNA be good.

It takes place every hour from 6:30 - 8:30, AND if you tweet your Valentine message to #DurexEmbrace you might see it in lights on the Southbank. Uhhh, how amazing would that be? Someone PLEASE declare their undying love for me in massive lights all over the Southbank I would literally explode.

Erhmagerd, I almost forgot - there are some very awesome (SEXY) prizes to be won by visitors:
  • 3 x luxury weekend breaks
  • 6 x Intimate dinners for two at top restaurants
  • 9 x Romantic stays at boutique hotels
  • 6 x Sets of designer underwear
  • Plus lots of fun (probably sexy) freebies
See you there.

I'll be the one in the corner, furiously tweeting #DurexEmbrace and trying to win me a luxury weekend break...

That last explosion visual...
...Is it meant to look like an electrified pink cock?

Monday, 10 February 2014

Review: Durex Embrace

When I first heard about Embrace, I thought it was a bit of a gimmick. Two pleasure gels, coming together as one? Purrrleeease. It's lube. Lube is lube, man.


I'm never wrong. But, okay, fine. Yeh. I was wrong. The Gods of Orgasm have shown me the light and I repent for my hasty judgement. NEVER judge a book by its cover. NEVER judge a lube by its predecessors.

Embrace pleasure gels are seriously, genuinely, amazing. One's tingly, and one's warming. Use them separately, and they're unique. But, combine one gel with another, and something mind-blowing is created.

The packaging's pretty cool too. They have their own (slightly porno) ying/yang 69 thing going. But they're easy to hold and quick to open/close (even when you're getting bizzzaaay). The warm and tingle sensations are juuuuust right - some lubes can be too hot or overpowering (NOT IN A GOOD WAY, YEH). And although Embrace is designed with couples in mind, trust me, they're just as good solo.

It's a big bloody loud, all-singing, all-dancing, all-coming 10 out of 10 from me.

Embrace is about £9.99, and you can find it in loads of retailers (including Superdrug, LoveHoney, Boots, etc). I swear you won't be disappointed.

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Real PornHub comments. For that special someone.

Valentine's doesn't have to be about love, romance, and courtship.
Sometimes, all that's missin' is some rimmin'.
So give your special someone what they really want on 14 Feb.
Give them a PornHub-comments-cum-Valentine's-Day-card.
You're welcome.