Thursday, 24 April 2014

online dating and the freaks of Internet Land

If you've tried online dating (and you have a vagina), I'm sure you'll have experienced the Desperate Horny Man's scatter gun approach: throw enough genital-related requests at the women on these sites/apps and something's gotta stick.

These men sit behind the safety of their computer, where they can be pervy and disgusting to women without getting punched/slapped/a drink thrown on them in real-life. Doesn't matter what the woman's looking for, who she is, what she's about - anything goes.

For the most-part, it's relatively amusing - but soon it grows tiresome and actually very insulting. No matter what you're looking for online (a relationship or even a non-creepy casual hook-up), you do not deserve to receive perverse and unsolicited messages from the freaks of Internet Land.

So I was really excited when I came across this little project by Boston-based artist, Anna Gensler. She decided to give Internet Dating Creeps a taste of their own medicine - anyone who was rude and derogatory to her on OKCupid was drawn "sad-naked" with tiny little willies. Follow her on Instagram to see them all.

Bloody brilliant.

Gensler: "when someone does something I think is rude, I always want to give them a taste of their own medicine. I’m an artist, and I try to use art as my weapon, even though that sounds so lame"

Gensler: "I feel like the guys who are really creepy don’t even bother to read my profile at all. They’re just like, “This girl has two arms and two legs.”

Gensler:"I started doodling how I would imagine them naked … except sad-naked. It was the most immature thing I could think of, because their pickup lines are the most juvenile, basic things, but also still oddly offensive."

Gensler: "I put a warning to guys on there: “I’m going to draw you naked if you send me rude messages,” and linked back to the Instagram."

Gensler: "Some of them get really angry and say a bunch of mean stuff. Some of them get a little bit offended and say, “Why am I so fat? My facial hair doesn’t really look like that. My nipples are smaller than that!”...  But a couple of guys have actually said smart things after I sent it to them. But if you’re smart and seem like a normal person, why are you using opening lines like “I love butt sex”?"

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

REAL #foodporn

Ahh #foodporn, my favourite ever Instagram hashtag for all my foodie (fatty) needs.

Ever wondered what REAL food porn would look like?

No. Me neither.

But for some reason, the perverts at Bold Italic have. They've even put their thoughts into a wee little video for your viewing pleasure. It's actually quite obscene. And a turn on. NO WAIT I'M KIDDING. Definitely NOT turned on right now. Honest.

Monday, 14 April 2014

Happy 27 Birthday Air Max

So the Nike Air Max is older than me. But unlike me, they get better with age.

Happy birthday you beautiful, colourful, bold, trainer, you. Happy bloody birthday.

Here are some cool pictures of these legendary trainers. The crazier, the better - in my opinion.

Image from Instagram user: garbuwka

Image from Instagram user: airmaxalways

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

What's the best chocolate bar?

...You can't ask me that
No I really couldn't even begin to..
..Don't make me
This is like the worst question anyone's ever asked me"

...Is basically how I felt when I saw this illustration on this week.

But if I was suspended above a pool of ill-tempered, mutated, sea bass and FORCED to answer this terrible, evil conundrum, then I might go with:

  1. Lion Bar
  2. Peanut Butter Cup
  3. Turkish Delight
  4. Wispa Gold
  5. Twix-Twirl-CremeEgg-Boost-KitKatChunky-Flake-Caramel-Aero?
I just don't know.

Image by David Wildish. Buy the print here.

Sunday, 6 April 2014

Why I won't watch mainstream porn any more...

"Woah woah woah, Madison. C'mon. No porn? Ever?!"

OK, not exactly. Don't freak out. Jeez.

But I was watching porn the other night (SHUT UP WE ALL DO IT), and suffered a bit of a revelation. When I watch sex, I want to see ... sex. Real sex. But I seem to find less and less of that online nowadays. Instead, I spend aaaages trawling through websites, trying to find something that works for me. And none of it does.

I guess, my brain and clit finally had enough of all the fake shit. So I started to deviate from the task at hand, and began pondering one of life's true mysteries. Who really wants to watch bukakke and cream pies and cum shots? Because it certainly ain't me.

Now, I'm not saying that everyone's preference is the same. In fact, it's none of my damn business what you're into. But it becomes my business (and now I'm speaking on behalf of Womankind), when porn starts to impact on real-world-sex.

Mainstream porn is never, ever, about true female pleasure. And that's because, essentially, it was created by men, for men. We're living in a right-here-right-now society, and our porn is the same. They've managed to cut out all the build-up, the romance, the mystery, and magic of sex.

We're launched into this horrid world of terrible music, cum-guzzling whores, and monster cocks. Where it's normal to spit on your loved one's penis; to be primed and gagging for sex within 10 seconds of seeing a dick; where foreplay involves a strange and evidently unpleasurable pokey-rigid-tongue manoeuvre, where women moan 'yeah' over and over whilst being pumped-up from behind like a bloody life-raft; where women are never brought to real orgasm by their men.

Watching that is the ultimate turn-off. I feel sorry for the women on-screen because it's fake, humiliating, painful, and uncomfortable - so far from true pleasure it's not even funny.

I don't want to watch ridiculous sex caricatures. I want to watch something real. Our bodies and our sensations are enough - sex is basic, and primal and wonderful - we don't need to add all that other shit.

So I've started an anonymous tumblr, full of sexy and sensual photos & GIFs. Essentially, I've curated my very own bespoke porn site. And no, I won't tell you what it's called - because it's just for me.

What do you reckon? Agree. Disagree... Think I'm totally off the mark?