Tuesday, 19 August 2014

What does Disney Prince Peen look like?

Whilst you've been reading 'Disney Princesses as... [teenagers / superheroes / men / paraplegics / etc], the genius(es?) over at Jezebel have been thinking about what Disney Princes' dicks look like.

Length, girth, tone, curvature, veins, pube bush, and so on.

It's not actually something I've considered. UNTIL NOW. And I have three questions:

1) How have I managed to get through adulthood without actually thinking about this?!
2) Why hasn't Robin Hood been included?!
3) AND WHERE IN HOLY HELL IS THE REAL-LIFE JOHN SMITH?!

Prince Adam (Beauty and the Beast)

Concealed by beastly levels of bush. HUGE. Underneath you'd find his average-size willy, uncircumcised, flaccid. Unappealing, basically, but he got you a rose, so hey.



Gaston (Beauty and the Beast)

Gaston likes to take nude selfies and has a small, pube-less, (did I mention TINY?), peen. Perhaps it's from eating 5 dozen eggs, Gaston. Or perhaps it's payback for throwing Maurice out into the SNOW. You horrible human.



Aladdin (Aladdin)


His baggy pants have allowed his balls to grow without constraint - they're huge, and droopy. He's flaccid because, like his magic lamp, you have to rub it to get it to do anything.



Prince Charming (Cinderella)

Prince Charming is perfect, so obviously, he'd have the perfect package too. Eight or nine inches, thick (but not too girthy) super fucking ROCK hard, with a nice throbbing vein. Perfectly groomed (in a considerate-non-gay-porn-way), and look, he bought you some new shoes.



Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid)

Pleasant, medium-sized, half-erect, foreskin pulled back a little. Pale with a pink head. Medium-sized bush. Modest and slightly vulnerable, like Zac Efron in his High School Musical days.



Prince Naveen (Princess and the Frog)

Naveen is huge. Like, there is just TOO much penis here.



Kristoff (Frozen)

Curly blond pubes and big, full, round, firm balls. Short penis, but thick— like a can of Coca Cola —even when flaccid. For some reason, he's jamming with his troll family. Nude.



John Smith (Pocahontas)

John has a splendid penis (possibly too much penis). Circumcised and bushy because he's an American woodsman. He's enjoying the blue corn moon, asking the grinning bobcat why he grins.



Flynn (Rapunzel)

Flynn's a horny bugger, and is into bondage with Rapunzel's golden hair. He has a warped sense of morality (thief, innit), so his wonky dick reflects that. His pubes look like his goatee.



Illustrated by Tara Jacoby
Inspired by Jezebel

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